With the divorce rate over 50 percent, too many are apparently making a
serious mistake in deciding who to spend the rest of their life with. To avoid
becoming a "statistic," try to internalize these 10 insights.
#1. You pick the
wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you're married.
The classic mistake.
Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the
person the way he or she is now, don't get married. As a colleague of mine so
wisely put it, "You actually can expect people to change after
they're married... for the worse!"
So when it comes to
the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication
skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.
#2. You pick the
wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.
Chemistry ignites the
fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in
love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in
lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this
person's character?
Here are four
character traits to definitely check for:
Humility: Does this
person believe that "doing the right thing" is more important than
personal comfort?
Do I want to be more like this
person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
Kindness: Does this
person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he treat people s/he
doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give charity?
Responsibility: Can I
depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's going to do?
Happiness: Does this
person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable?
Ask yourself: Do I
want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person?
Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
#3. You pick the
wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a woman needs most.
Men and women have
unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn't
"get it." Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand
the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them.
The unique need of a
woman is to be loved -- to feel that she is the most important person in her
husband's life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention.
This is most apparent
in Judaism's approach to intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the
intimate needs of his wife. Intimacy is always on the woman's terms. Men are
goal-oriented, especially when it comes this area. As a wise woman once pointed
out, "Men have two speeds: on and off." Women are
experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more
experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the
man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure,
amazing things happen.
#4. You choose the
wrong person because you do not share a common life goals and priorities.
There are three basic
ways we connect with another person:
- chemistry
and compatibility
- share
common interests
- share
common life goal
Make sure you share
the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage,
the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart,
you must figure out what you're "living for," while you're single --
and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you.
This is the true
definition of a "soul mate." A soul mate is a goal mate -- two people
who ultimately share the same understanding of life's purpose and therefore
share the same priorities, values and goals.
#5. You choose the
wrong person because you get intimately involved too quickly.
Intimacy before the
commitment of marriage can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully
honest exploration of important issues. Physical involvement tends to cloud
one's mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions.
It is not necessary
to take a "test drive" in order to find out if a couple is physically
compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and
emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry about it. Of all the studies
done on divorce, incompatibility in the intimate arena is almost never cited as
a main reason why people divorce.
#6. You pick the
wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional connection with this
person.
To evaluate whether
you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect and
admire this person?"
This does not mean,
"Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by
qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc.
Also ask: "Do I
trust this person?" This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable?
Do I feel I can rely on him/her?
#7. You pick the
wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don't feel emotionally
safe.
Ask yourself the
following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can
I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person make me
feel good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you
feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way!
Are you afraid of
this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say
because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid
to express your feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem with the
relationship.
Another
aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other person is trying to
control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the
look out for someone who is always trying to change you. There's a big
difference between "controlling" and "making suggestions."
A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.
#8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on
the table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought
up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to
evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together.
Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to
know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find
compromises that work for both of you?
Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is
also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you
can't be vulnerable, then you can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.
#9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to
escape from personal problems and unhappiness.
If you
are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage
does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything,
marriage will exacerbate them.
If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take
responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better, and your
future spouse will thank you.
#10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a
triangle.
To be
"triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or
something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who
hasn't separated from his or her parents is the classic example of
triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as
work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money.
Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The
person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You
will not be their number one priority. And that's no basis for a marriage.
